NOTE: Ξ Article of BLOG: may contain images of my work as a means of entertainment. be sensible in these Parodies of Creativity and the Art of Stupidity.
Students offer "Bomb" on teacher's birthday
Students offer "Bomb" on teacher's birthday – is a story based on true events.
All care is little. Mainly when a group of already mature students (between 20 and 60 years old – apprenticeships in the field of visual arts), smarter than artists, intelligence in a “bunch”, experienced savants of life, decide to present the teacher with a package without identification nor sender (very suspicious) on his birthday. Like all teachers, already scalded by the recurrent “bulling” of the students and by the disrespect and castration of the government, in these cases, the teacher must always apply the saying: “When the handout is large, the teacher is suspicious”. Now, the teacher's rule n.1 is:“never trust students the way students trust you” ?. Especially on your birthday, which is an excellent pretext for a good boycott, a threat to your teaching and artistic career or, further, a threat to your life. And by the way, as the story happened to me, I will speak in the first person.
Let me start by apologizing for the sensationalist title. "Students offer "Bomba" on teacher's birthday". But there are good reasons for this application. I am a professor attentive to new communication trends, based on the best journalistic examples that daily bombard us with headlines that capture attention, regardless of the relevance of the subject itself. That is, I followed the example that the important thing is to stand out regardless of the importance of the content. (Nothing I'm used to in the art world ?). The same title applies to social networks, because the important thing is to capture “likes” as a synonym for success, making the contribution of value trivial. “A lot of vine and little grape” is already an outdated saying. You have to understand that it is an infallible marketing recipe. And, my apologies for the intentional “plagiarism” of the title, which reveals my lack of creativity and originality. I'm cautious to the point where I don't want to be judged for not using the sensationalist tendencies of "mass media“. Even because educating is a lot of work and there is enormous unfair competition in the face of such lack of education. Quality of life is what a teacher, at this moment, most desires. But, I guarantee that the title matches the context. Forward…
The students suspicious package was given away on the eve of my birthday. They made me promise that I wouldn't open until the following day, and I, like a cornered victim, felt forced to obey the imposed order, without even daring to negotiate. This order was coerced with a very firm index finger pointed at my nose. An art teacher against a “bunch” of student artists is, in fact, intimidating to say the least: “Professor, it can only open tomorrow, okay?” – they repeated several times. Now, when they begin to disrespect me by calling me “professor”, it is already a disdain for my worthy career as a master of the arts. If instead of teacher, they called me “toto” or “listen there” it was much less offensive nowadays, when being a teacher is, in itself, a complete disrespect for yourself and others. So don't be surprised if you see me at teachers' strikes with the sign: “Listen up Tótós, we demand respect! What's that, hmm?!”. When I ask what's in the package, student artists “of the tricks” They promptly replied: “An artistic BOMB!” – letting out in unison all the evil laughs they managed. Well, I didn't show fear there (just to annoy ?)! With due calm, I reflected and felt relieved that they were, at least, sincere. And as a positive teacher that I am (because I'm not a teacher of negatives) I thought: “Hey man, they were sincere and that deserves credit!” And because sincerity is increasingly rare these days, I was moved by their honesty. With my eyes dry with emotion I replied: “Thank you very much…” A hug was even desirable at that moment, but I held firm, just as a decently intimidated and coerced victim should behave. However, I calmly transported that work of art called “Bomb” to the trunk of my car. I drove my vehicle towards the house/workshop without attracting any alarming suspicions along the way. The night was a huge nightmare. I repeat, NIGHTMARE! Turbulent dreams of BOMBS without a bikini, of those thermal heat BOMBS that make us sweat hot, and such claustrophobia in the midst of so much carnal screaming, etc. A DIS-PU-TA-RIA to get out of that PE-SA-DE-LO. But, there is my positive side as an artist and teacher: “if I dreamed about the prices of gasoline “pumps” it would be much worse! I would spend the night doing math in my head…”. So, all in all, I think I slept well.
The next day, now calmer and far from the artistic threats of the students, I outlined a strategic plan worthy of a master of the arts and a true artist. Yes, because a teacher always knows more than the student! ? (even those teachers who finish the course with an average of 9 out of 20). I applied all my knowledge of SCI and art forensic investigator, in order to unravel this plot, suspense and direct threat to my creativity. Below are the research developments.
Positioning the “Pump” in a safe place:IMAGE ZOOM
First of all, place the bomb in a safe place, away from any thief who wants to steal the bomb. Yes, because if the pump has a catalytic converter, it is enough for someone educated in mechanics not to resist the temptation of theft. Caution is the first rule of a professor and the last on the chart of an artist without rules. So, imagine how difficult it is to make a coherent decision in this conflict of principles.
Radioactive and contaminant screening:IMAGE ZOOM
A precise analysis was carried out that the “Bomb” did not present any danger of radiation and contamination, namely:
1) Danger of “Grease”. Giving "grease" to the teacher is one of the most contaminating arts used by students, according to the EECP- Statistics of Compulsive and Professional Greasers.
2nd) Danger of Jacobice. Hypocrisy, pretense and imposture is also the radioactive art most used by students in general.
3) Other secondary hazards: nuclear and fire weapons, sanitary waste, covid-19, white, blue, green weapons, etc.
Conclusion of the report: “Danger 1st and 2nd – Does not show signs of lying contamination, nor impostor radiation. 3rd Hazard – inconclusive, alert levels must be maintained”. – "Ufa! The worst has gone".
Drilling the “BOMBA” kit:IMAGE ZOOM
It is here that theMine and Trap Inspector” has to hold back your emotions, feelings and literally tears. Hold back your tears because a “Bomb” is always a well-executed art object and it is an emotional insult for any inspector and art admirer to dismantle something that someone has gone to a lot of trouble to create. It is, at the very least, counterproductive and anti-cultural. Second, there were options other than destroying the "Bomb". For example, reuse is already a civil responsibility and, therefore, they could put the “BOMBA” art in a museum so that it could be appreciated by all; Put up for sale as a 2nd hand item (there are always people interested in bombs, divorcees, strikers, people with mothers-in-law and, of course, other students); Wrap it up again in wrapping paper and give it to someone next Christmas (to another art teacher, for example)!… In short, a waste of options that makes any inspector want to cry! Therefore, if by chance the mines and traps inspector tears up during this process: “Oh and stuff… it’s the excessive smoking!” – are either lame excuses or signs of a bad inspector who took a distance course during the pandemic and trained with outdated carnival firecrackers and the fulminating toy pistols of the 90s.
Remove the protective filmIMAGE ZOOM
Like most artists and some professors, the inspectors are also nature's weapons, brags from birth but always cautious with their tasks and, above all, cautious with their future, as exemplified in the monologue above: “Safety above all!”. And, by the way, an interesting curiosity, the “mine and trap inspector” is just a name derived from other less popular designations, namely: “inspector detrap the girls" (the 70's), “Weapon Inspector in the Pits” (80s) and more recent, (from 2000): “minis inspector and picks fights”.
Recreation and ReflectionIMAGE ZOOM
A teacher/inspector's break or recess are the moments when he takes the opportunity to reflect on the dangers of the profession and the injustice that surrounds it. I say injustice because the inspector of mines and traps complains of having a lonely profession, with no colleagues around him to talk to or even play at races defusing homemade bombs... An inspector has immense difficulties in justifying to his wife the hours he stayed alone working with “Bombas” but without witnesses present to confirm it. He adds:“- Ah, but she also doesn't like that I take work home!!! He says that if a bomb goes off, the house is full of smoke and all in disarray and, I understand, of course!... And bombers no longer have career ambitions in blowing things up. The material is also expensive, you see?! Now, there's the trend of “pyromaniacs, pyromaniacs, pyromaniacs” or whatever it is, they use matches that are cheaper and came to ruin the whole market, man!… I don't have overtime, you see?!… not even tips! …anything! It is complicated!"
aesthetic analysisIMAGE ZOOM
From the photos, it can already be seen that it was a very poorly crafted piece of art. Students have immense difficulties in all artistic senses. From creating aesthetically harmonious “bombs”, problems in colorimetry, contextual concept, object composition, technique application and no aesthetic sense of composition. Not even a technical sheet to accompany it, such as: title, dimensions, techniques, etc. Very serious error in the work – the “BOMB” – without SIGNATURE and DATE. It is inadmissible. The excessive matter that surrounds it is showy but with a lot of visual pollution – kitsch. More, it looks like a “bomb” to decorate with the living room curtains than properly, a “Bombastic Art” worthy of being exposed in a museum. Grade “B” from “Bergonhoso”!
Chemical Bomb SuspicionsIMAGE ZOOM
Three smelly artistic objects were removed from the “Caixa Bomb”. The artistic objects, triangular in shape, showed strong suspicions of a huge “chemical bomb”. A nauseating smell of cheese aroma and strong foot odors hung in the air. The positive side in this situation is that the most dangerous thing was not found, which would be some fossils from poorly washed socks of the students, a fatal consequence in case of detonation. Art objects were carefully removed for contamination and toxicity/poisoning analysis.
The Encrypted “Bomb”IMAGE ZOOM
The core of the bomb was also found, still intact, in a thick glass container that holds a liquid substance of a “red” color. Apparently a highly explosive matter. This work of art weighed about 1kg. The label read “MARITÁVORA-DOURO”. It is an encrypted artistic message. Experts already have some decoding hypotheses: “MA
RITÁ VORA–DOURO” (MATADOURO = slaughterhouse) is the most likely hypothesis. It is not yet understood in what context the encrypted message of the students is inserted in this dramatic situation, but everything indicates that it is only to do “mind tickles” to the creative intellectuality of the teacher/inspector.
forensic investigationIMAGE ZOOM
Here is the presentation of the suspected artistic objects in the forensic department. Consisting of a suspicious work of art in the shape of a bottle filled with “red” liquid and 3 smelly artistic objects. Fingerprints and other artistic traces were collected to confirm the possible involvement of student artists. Expertise is negative for human traces but is 90% positive for inhumane traces. The remaining 10% are extraterrestrial traces, concluding that one of the students is not an artist from this planet.
Toxicity and PoisoningIMAGE ZOOM
The 3 smelly artistic objects turned out to be cheeses from various nationalities. The crime now has an international jurisdiction. According to the taste specialist, cheeses belong to the area of salted dairy products. One of them, more artistic, had blue mold and showed signs of great toxicity. Even so, the taste specialist confirms to 100% that the cheeses were not poisoned, as he states: “I conclude that they weren't poisoned because, despite everything, I'm still alive as a pebble!”
Evaluation of the “red” liquidIMAGE ZOOM
A special artistic mechanism called a “corkscrew” or “athlete” was needed to remove the cork stopper. After the scare of a vacuum noise when removing the cork (a very tense moment), the 0.75cl of “red” liquid smelled like grapes from the Porto region, as described by the specialist:“Wow! FØ&@-$€ !! it smells like the north, dammit! !!!”. The explosive potency of the liquid was 14.5% of alcohol, a nuclear hazard capable of annihilating 5 turkeys in an hour or up to 5 tea-drinking humans in half the time!
authentic reliefIMAGE ZOOM
After an intensive analysis, it was verified that the device did not present risks of explosion, contamination, falsification or discouragement. As the teacher/inspector states: “It was difficult, very difficult! I've been here a long time. I even had doubts if I would have enough toilet paper for so many hours of work!”. Still, the liquid was sent for chemical and taste analysis.
gustatory evaluationIMAGE ZOOM
The grape-flavored liquid was inconclusive on the first try. At second test, the gustatory analysis also had inconclusive results. At third test it was discovered that the wine was made with grapes from the Touriga Nacional, Tinta Roriz, Touriga Franca varieties. At fourth test, it was discovered that the varieties came from vines aged between 15 and 50 years. At fifth test it was discovered that the wine fermented in foot-treaded stone vats. At sixth test it turned out that the wine aged 18 months in French oak barrels: “bon appetit, mon ami!” ? ! "At seventh test it turned out that binho is a great work of art, stimulating, addictive and traumatic to the point of “kaput” in the artist's brain after the seventh cope. nah ointaba proba, discover what you had already discovered and it's really true! Perontes, daz things and stuff, right?!... They urge you to cooperate with me?! Hmm?!..”
Cleaning and decontaminationIMAGE ZOOM
It was nothing more than a bad and bad-smelling joke by the students. After all, being a lone inspector pays off because I didn't have to share these dangerous devices with other professional colleagues. ? I ended up saving lives because it's evident that it's a few less cheeses and one less bottle of wine that could hurt someone, or even kill them (you never know!). It is believed that, after all, the students had good intentions towards the teacher and the inspector shows all his gratitude for receiving the best “Bomb” that they could offer him: “Dear students, thank you very much and I hope to have more birthdays a year! ? Type: 1 x per month! Be daring, rebellious, courageous, creative, non-conformists and, above all, always have fun, within your responsibilities, common sense and good sense! Well done and see you soon!”
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Thank you for sharing
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